Oct 15th

Not a very good start, but somehow I felt alive to begin a new day.
It was, at first.
But everything ruined after I banked in the October’s rent.
Compared to last month, this month’s was a lot cheaper.
But when the balance appeared to be just quarter of the deducted sum, I lost my words.
I lost my good start too.
I remembered the same feeling crushing me last 5 months – when my scholarship suspended for 2 months, before the new one came in by mid of May.
I got savings but I had to use them all to save my own life!
And now the same story was about to repeat.
Damn it!
My perfect day was totally gone as early as 9.58 am!
I tried to be casual & calm like the usual me but I know I can’t fool myself.
The more I tried the more I hurt.
I tried to do some works, just to get myself busied so I can forget the problem for a moment.
Yeah, it really worked, but it also lasts temporarily.
I started to think to find a part time job.
I know it’s too late.
I know I can control my budget.
I know I can because it did happen before.
I thought I’m gonna be chased out from my apartment and spend my nights by staying at my senior’s home.
Tonight A’s home, tomorrow night B’s home.
Damn it.
I even imagined myself in that situation!
But somehow I managed, and even had my savings back in just mere 3 months.
That was the story before I went back to homecountry for renewing my passport.
My savings from three months scholarship was gone, AGAIN.
The worst part is, the sum that I took three months to accumulate, burnt in 2 weeks! – Flight ticket plus passport renewing fee with some other minor transportation fees and foods, which were all on my shoulders.
Now I went all no-money again.
My Goodness.
I beg your kindness and cares.
I am not tough as I might seen on the outside.
I am not calm as it just on the surface.
Deep down inside I am just a fragile and easy-broken one.
I never free from being tried and tested.
Please don’t try me with the trial I can’t face.
Please don’t test me with the tests I can’t bear…

Life is HARD
Life is SHORT
Life is PAINFUL
Life is RICH
Life is PRECIOUS

Before I move on further,  let’s see the description below on what am gonna talkin’ about.

Movie Title : Precious (based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire)

Genre : Drama, Adaptation & Teens

Director : Lee Daniels

Producers : Oprah Winfrey & Tyler Perry

Release Date : November 6th, 2009 (limited)

MPAA Rating : R for child abuse including sexual assault and pervasive language.

Casts : Mo’Nique , Paula Patton, Mariah Carey, Gabourey Sidibe, Sherri Shepherd

Synopsis : Clareece “Precious” Jones is an overweight, illiterate African-American teen in Harlem. Just as she’s about to give birth to her second child, Jones is accepted into an alternative school where a teacher helps her find a new path in her life.

Wow! It’s gonna be the very FIRST R rated movie I felt like to watch. Was it because our Grammy-winning diva (Mariah Carey) is starring in? Or was it the trailer was really mastered and mixed to be really impressive? Check the trailer out HERE

Well I hope this movie gonna break my lifetime perception over R rated movie — NONSENSE series of moving pictures, nothing to watch! And trust me, I do really feel it does changed my perception, for NOW. I’m waiting for this movie with full of anticipation. Anybody with me?

Original Source : Mariah Carey finds freedom being ‘imperfect’

- Taylor Swift & Amy Lee (Evanescence) were born on December 13th *the closest to me*

- Jordin Sparks was born on December 22nd

- Dido is December 25th born

- Hayley Williams (Paramore) is December 27th born

Dido was my evergreen fave singer since Here With Me era, while Sparks totally with me like a Tattoo since her debut and Swift, via Joe from JB

Wow! Is it a coincidence?

p/s : My evergreen idol is Celine Dion (both in music and lifestyle, isn’t a December born) while Amy Lee is always like a resemblance of mine. Britney Spears was born on December 2nd but she isn’t really my fave singer *sorry Brit*

What constitutes heights can vary for each person with this fear. For some, fear of heights only manifests when a person is in a particularly high place, like a building of several stories or on top of a cliff that overlooks a sheer drop. For others, walking up a flight of stairs or climbing a ladder is enough to induce panic and distress. The fear can easily curtail everyday activities, especially when it is extremely pronounced. Like the agoraphobic person, a person with acrophobia may not want to leave his/her home because he/she may encounter unknown experiences with panic inducing heights of various levels.

Many people may feel mildly uncomfortable when in high places, and this experience is not limited to humans. Other mammals show discomfort if they reach certain heights too. Usually, the term acrophobia is used only when the person or animal can be said to be extremely uncomfortable, and does go into a panic state when confronted with being in a high place. Main theories used to explain this phenomenon suggest that like all phobias, the fear became uncontrollable after a traumatic incident in early childhood.

Since other animals have been shown to exhibit some signs of fear of heights, researchers are now positing that the fear may have to do with the way our internal sense of balance works. The person with acrophobia may not be able to rely on natural sense of balance and continues to rely on what they see as high place. The feeling of being unbalanced can lead to panic, nausea, and vertigo or dizziness in some cases, because it pulls against the natural tendency for the body to remain balanced.

This would suggest that people might be able to overcome the fear by shutting their eyes and relying on natural balance to stabilize themselves. Usually though, acrophobics have so many incidences of this feeling, that this may not be enough alone, since the fear of heights may be associated with mental trauma. Though the fear itself might not be irrational from a physical perspective, repeated instances of emotional trauma associated with heights create irrational fear.

Like most phobias, acrophobia is treated with a variety of therapies, most commonly exposure therapy. Under the guidance of professionals, the person is guided through staged experiences of height, often first starting with virtual reality views of high places. This can help to gradually desensitize the individual to the experience of being in high places. Sometimes, medication like tranquilizers or antidepressants are useful in the early stages of treatment, but when the person is able to recover, they may not be needed in the long term. Further, there’s some suggestion given the internal balance theory that psychiatric medication would do more harm than good, since many of these medicines affect balance.

Retrieved from : http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-acrophobia.htm

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I love this song called ‘Halo’ by Beyonce since the very first I listened to it. I felt to have Beyonce’s third album (complete album, with all the bonus tracks) after I watched ‘If I Were A Boy’ music video on Yahoo! Music, so that’s where I know Halo, before the single bursts out on every radio charts. I thought I just love Ryan Tedder’s songs, but definitely it’s more than just that.  

Until I found the article on Yahoo! Music Blog citing about Beyonce singing this song in a very unique style on her tour in Sydney, Australia dedicating it to one little girl named Chelsea, which now suffering leukemia.

I would say I clicked on the link because I love the song, in the first place. But I was all wrong when I keep in tears everytime I push the ‘Replay’ button. Beyonce sounded so nice with her calm & soothing voice and this 2.45 minutes clip is full of heart-touching moments.

Have a watch. Are you with me guys?

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Songtitle : Halo
Artist : Beyonce Knowles
Album : I Am… Sasha Fierce [2008]
Songwriters: Bogart, Evan Kidd; Knowles, Beyonce Gisselle; Tedder, Ryan Benjamin;

Lyrics :
Remember those walls I built
Well baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standin’ in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m lookin’ now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m lookin’ now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo

Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m lookin’ now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo

O well. I actually have thousand one stories to share but I don’t know where to start from. I’m back to lab, others too. I got works to do but I feel like I don’t. There’ people around me but I feel like I’m alone. I always got my mp3 on, those earphones always stuck in my both ears but I heard nothing. Am I near to death already?

It’s me but sometimes I feel like there’s different me in me. Hmm sounds complicated huh? Forget it then. Let’s play FAQ then.

How about me lately?

- Fine, but not fine. Just recovered from fever last 2 weeks and now I got it again. My labmate teased me I got Influenza A …AGAIN. He sure went too far to joke on sth like that to me, his big sister!

How’s Sapporo lately?

- In changing season. We’re in the end of Summer (supposed to) but I think we’ve  entered Autumn since the end of last month.

How’s my days?

- In the boredom. If  before I could stay at lab until 10 pm even though I don’t really have experiments to do, now I can’t. As soon as I finished my stuffs, my home sweet home is floating on my mind! Not to mention if my stomach started growling or when my head started to spin (low-blood-pressure person never get rid of this, I guess?) , so my legs dragged me straight away to Prof.’s room, asking his permission to leave EARLY. Whatta hell’s happening with me? I don’t have the answer too.

How’s my final year research?

- Fine. Prof. just gave me new tasks – to kill my time, ACTUALLY. Obviously I finished what I should, but since there’s a semester left, it’s a waste to just come to lab to write a thesis, RIGHT? I need WORKS! At least EXPERIMENTS. No matter the results, just the works. That’s it. I’m glad I have something to work on. I can’t stay at my desk, chatting with friends on YM for the whole day just to wait until 5 pm! Or surfing on YouTube for new clip videos. Or downloading new stuffs from site to site! I can do that at nights, weekends, at home! Not at lab. Thanks Daddy (prof.). You know me the best!

How many months left before my graduation?

- Approximately 6. I hate the fact time fly away so fast now. I’m in the exact opposite from the past 5 years, if I remembered it correctly. When I’m sink in the middle of the nights, crying out loud alone in my room – that’s when I hoped time fly away as fast as it could. But now it’s different. Life’s a challenge. I need challenges to stay alive. Life’s need to be challenging. Agree with me?

Ok. There’s nothing more left to say, I guess. And I want to ask this to you guys. Share with me your opinions.

Is it a hint or just a coincidence if everyone that is in the same boat as you, encountered something that you still not know if it might happens to you, but since you are in the perfectly same situation with them, then the conclusion can be made is, you too going to encounter the same?

DOWNLOAD

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Songtitle : Life After You
Artist :  Daughtry
Album : Leave This Town (2008)
Songwriters : Chris Daughtry, Brett James, Chad Kroeger, Joey Moi

Lyrics :

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin’ out smoke on the side of the road
I’m out here alone just tryin’ to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know

Believe me I won’t stop at nothin’
To see you so I’ve started runnin’

All that I’m after is a life full of laughter
As long as I’m laughin’ with you
I’m thinkin’ that all still matters is love ever after
After the life we’ve been through
‘Cause I know there’s no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must’ve been high to say you and I
Weren’t meant to be and just wastin’ my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I’m after is a life full of laughter
As long as I’m laughin’ with you
I’m thinkin’ that all still matters is love ever after
After the life we’ve been through
‘Cause I know there’s no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there’s no other one
After this time I spent alone
It’s hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin’ ’bout the better times, must’ve been outta my mind
So I’m runnin’ back to tell you

All that I’m after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I’d do, yeah

All that I’m after is a life full of laughter
As long as I’m laughin’ with you
I’m thinkin’ that all still matters is love ever after
After the life we’ve been through
Know there’s no life after you

Know there’s no life after you
Know there’s no life after you
Know there’s no life after you
Know there’s no life after you
Know there’s no life after you
Know there’s no life after you
Know there’s no life after you, yeah