微笑み…

夕方に向かうその日、私は一人で出かけた。北18条駅からの電車は透かすかであった。電車の扉が開いた時に、一人のおばあさんがゆっくり歩き出たところ、先に私を横切った男(?)はこのおばあさんにぶつかった。そのおばあさんが物凄くびっくりしたため、声まで出してしまった。でも、あの男はまるで何も起きなかったみたいに平気で電車に入り込んだ。いったい、「何を急ぐのか?」って私の心の中に小声でこれを囁いた。

私は電車に入って、一方側で立った。5分でも経たないため、席に着く必要はないのでいつも立ってる。いつも顔はドアのガラスの方向に向かうので、後ろに立っている人たちや反対側に居る人たちは見られる。今回はなぜか、立っている一人のおばさんの反射が目に入った。普通のおばさんだが、唇の両端がちょっぴり上に上がり、いつも微笑んでるような顔をしている。「いいなぁ、私もそのような顔がほしい」って思ってしまった。

なぜなら、私はいつも怖い顔している。初めて私と出会った時の第一印象を、今の友達になった人に聞いたら、「冷たい」や「怖い」と必ずそう答える。いつも一人だから、「一人好き」と言われたこともある。また、書くときはいっぱい書けるが、実際に顔を合わすと異常に無口で、口にする物事は全部シリアスのことばかりと。電話とィ-メールだったら、イーメールの方がよい。でも電話でいっぱいしゃべれる場合もある―母としゃべる場合。そして、自分と非常に仲良く人の場合。やはり、心は狭いね?

いつも微笑むなら、性格が変わるのかな?元の心は優しいかもしれないけど、あまりにも狭すぎる場合でどこにもいけないだろうと勝手に決め付けた。みんなははどうだろう…

———————————————————————————————

In almost twilight evening I went out alone. Departed from North 18 stop, the train is somehow empty. When the train door opened, a guy bumped into a grandma walking out of the train slowly. The grandma was shocked to the point she said it out. But the guy acted like nothing happens and let himself into the train at ease. “What on earth are you rushing to?” the tiny voice inside my heart asked.

I stepped into the train and standing on the opposite side. There’s no need to sit while the journey won’t even takes 5 minutes. And I can see the persons standing behind me or people on the opposite as I’m facing the glass door. And somehow this time, an aunty reflected to my eyes. She is just the normal aunty, but she has her upper lip curved up a little, make it appears that she always smiling. I began to think “How nice is that. I wish I have that kind of face too”.

That is because I always have a scary face. If you ask my friends now on what is their first impression on me, it’ll absolutely “cold” or “scary” as the answers. And since I always alone, I even said a “lone-lover”. Also, I’d write much but I’d be unusually quiet or only talk about all the serius stuffs in real when being face to face. But I can talk a lot on the phone – with my mom and with the friends that really closed to me. After all I’m still the cold person?

Will I change myself if I smile always? I might already a nice person, but with this over-coldness I don’t think I can go on anywhere, I thought so arbitrarily. I wonder how about others…  

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One thought on “微笑み…

  1. Phebs says:

    Ahah~ I guess we are quite alike. Only my first impression is always shy and quiet girl. 😛

    Me too write a lot and ‘talk’ a lot when on YM or on the shoutbox but when face-to-face you seldom see me talkative unless with close friends. So I TOTALLY understand how you feel rubi. 😀

    You aren’t ‘might’… You ALREADY are a nice person… No… a WONDERFUL person. :D. Of course, it is better to smile a lot. Smiling can set a new fresh mood on the start of a new day. *add more smiles* 😀 😀 😀

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