Independent or Invisible?

To those who want to know my story,

It’s been almost 4 years I left my homeland for the sake of knowledge, hunting my dreams. Dreams, they were. But it turned to be responsibilities once I landed on this sunrise land. I dreamed to be here, but not as a residence, just a visitor. But my dream was more than fulfilled, so now you see me here, sacrificing times, sweat and tears because the time has been passed can never come back.

During these 4 years, there weren’t just laughs & giggles & smiles. No just vacations & fancy life. They’re absolutely more than I can ever write, even if I take the next 4 years to do so, I’d never could. Why am I here? People ask me that simple question but I need to rack my brain for a piece of satisfying answer. I’m here because I was destined to be here. That’s the most accurate answer it’d be.

People think I’m a smart, intelligent & brilliant girl – technically it should be, but I am not. It was just my luck when I know I was chose to be enrolled in this particular college for taking a special course before I could fly here. You know why I applied for the course? Because I love Japanese, the most beautiful language I’ve ever heard and know up to my 16 years living on earth. But I have to learn Engineering in order to get me into the course. That’s why I ended up here, in this Engineer-to-be world.

I know I shouldn’t be inferior to my fellow friends, but I was and still I am. I tried to be what I supposed to be, but nobody ever listen to my tiny heart whispering inside – the pressure, the tense and the pain. Yes I am calm on the surface but not that peace at the bottom. Like a deep blue ocean. You only see its surface, but have you ever dive into the bottom? You know the roughness waiting down there, so you pretend not to know.

That’s me. I am like that deep blue ocean. No matter how huge & rough wave I was, people can just see the tiny ones break onto the surface, swirl obeying the current, flown by the surrounds. In sunlight, I glimmered the sparkles. But in moonlight, I dim into the gloomy darkness. Independent to be alone yet invisible to the others.

Well. I’m now heading to my final year so that I can’t get rid of all these questions :- “What are you going to do after graduation?” “Will you stay here (Japan) or back to your homeland?” “Will you continue to Master?” “Will you work?” etc. etc. etc. And normally the one who asked already has the answers & the next corelated questions. Like an interviewer asking the brain-wreck questions to test the employee-to-be. Gimme break people! I’m not even started, yet you asked me the things when it’s end?

Oh. You’re asking me the plan huh? Planning the future is great. But not too forward. Not to look into the past to judge the future either. I’m living for today. So I don’t need to argue with you about my forwarded future. I learned not to put so much hope into the future, while I’m abandoning the best today I still have. Never suggest me the future unless you have the backup plans for that. Being positive is great, but sometimes you’ve being negative without your own notice.

This is the only thing I can’t never let go of me – being PARANOID while at the same time, OBSTINATE. I’m tough. That’s why I need not to prepare for tomorrow maybe. Whatever happened or however my day went, I just live with it. Oh yeah, it’s always that way when it’s me, not when others did mess me up. You see I can control myself but not others. So?!

I’ve been pointless again. I am paranoid but I’m too afraid to hurt people (it seemed to be since few years ago), yet ended up being hurt. Whatta joke! I guess I’ve beating around the bush too much. But I don’t tell stories. This is all about me. And I’ve gotta stop right here for now.

p/s : Don’tcha think I never think about what I should’ve think. I thought more than what you’ve thought, just you never think the way I thought. That’s all.


5 thoughts on “Independent or Invisible?

  1. i love it wen im the first to comment!!!! puahahaha first commenter title on the loose here!!! ahahaha… any1 can take or join in the race.i..ts open…hahaha

    so sowee harmony…my brain is ol hyped up coz my brain cells hev been bz studying!!!

    wohohoho…so deep entry… my harmony is more poetic dan me… dats like 10 oceans deeper dan me…

    so sowee im the first to comment & yet i oledi stain tis beauty wif silliness…

    but i guess… i guess its really okie to feel “insecurities” coz no 1 is perfect…& yeah things will not olways turned out the way we want it… i guess my fave quote says it ol : “PERFECTION IS BORING TO BE HUMAN IS BEAUTIFUL” i got tis quote from a zine i tink its a print ad…so credit belongs to the orig owner or maker of tis quote…hehehehe

    & yeah… the “ocean” it carries alot of emotions from joy to sorrow… from blissful to gloom… from love to hate… from calm to violent… from a soft ripple to strong waves…from a feeling of belonging to a feeling of solitude..a beauty wif darkness in the loom…oh man…im starting my craps agen…so sowee…

    i hev no words of comfort for my harmony… & im feeling sorry for dat…jaz dat ….

    dun be burden by wat ppol say… in the end its really ALL ABOUT YOU^^

    & harmony you r loved!^^

  2. evearlmine says:

    :: sweetie ::

    thanks for reading & commenting my blabbers. i don’t know why dear, sometimes i sank and even the shallow water choked me badly. being smothered by people words, not when i first swallowed them, but after my brain resting at peace, it began to reprocess it. not a reverie nor a nightmare. it’s in between. man, i felt so lost when i’ve nobody can listen to my tiny thoughts. and i’m so regretting that i can’t tell the “people” those thoughts while i’m asked, like i was forced to say “yes” or at least to shut up & listen to them like i agreed to every single words they told me to do…. while i don’t. ever. their words may be suggestion, but sometimes the way they suggest their ideas kind of hurting me.

    am i too stubborn dear? like i can’t never accept people’s opinion? like i can’t stand to be corrected? oh my! what happened to me. i started to think that way…that’s poison in my mind, i knew it but still can’t get rid of it.

    thanks for listening to my thoughts, sweetie. it’s ok. i just need someone to listen to me. you’ve read it, you’ve heard me. that’s all. 🙂 thanks!

  3. ZaliZabrina says:

    i know, some people just don’t understand why people are like this, and like that..that’s just HUMAN..they’re being born with different personality, and that’s what make it INDIVIDUAL. so those people who’ve been telling you this and that, that’s just their personality to tell people what’s right and wrong, even RIGHT and WRONG is actually very subjective when it comes to human. so, never lose yourself to them. the only thing CERTAIN is THE ALMIGHTY! cheer up dear chingu~~

  4. evearlmine says:

    :: zali ::

    thanks. “Don’t lose yourself to the others” <— i love this. but yeah, sometimes i lost myself to me even. a paranoid like me better stop being paranoid for my own good. but it’d take times i know. i think like a grandma, but i act like a little girl. maybe that’s why things always turn opposite. you got me zali! RIGHT or WRONG is very subjective. I should’ve be reminded of that earlier so that I won’t myself unnecessarily. thanks again dear chingoo 🙂

    :: en. kadri ::

    yeah, you hit the best word ever. i am translucent, not opaque nor transparent.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: