To those who want to know my story,
It’s been almost 4 years I left my homeland for the sake of knowledge, hunting my dreams. Dreams, they were. But it turned to be responsibilities once I landed on this sunrise land. I dreamed to be here, but not as a residence, just a visitor. But my dream was more than fulfilled, so now you see me here, sacrificing times, sweat and tears because the time has been passed can never come back.
During these 4 years, there weren’t just laughs & giggles & smiles. No just vacations & fancy life. They’re absolutely more than I can ever write, even if I take the next 4 years to do so, I’d never could. Why am I here? People ask me that simple question but I need to rack my brain for a piece of satisfying answer. I’m here because I was destined to be here. That’s the most accurate answer it’d be.
People think I’m a smart, intelligent & brilliant girl – technically it should be, but I am not. It was just my luck when I know I was chose to be enrolled in this particular college for taking a special course before I could fly here. You know why I applied for the course? Because I love Japanese, the most beautiful language I’ve ever heard and know up to my 16 years living on earth. But I have to learn Engineering in order to get me into the course. That’s why I ended up here, in this Engineer-to-be world.
I know I shouldn’t be inferior to my fellow friends, but I was and still I am. I tried to be what I supposed to be, but nobody ever listen to my tiny heart whispering inside – the pressure, the tense and the pain. Yes I am calm on the surface but not that peace at the bottom. Like a deep blue ocean. You only see its surface, but have you ever dive into the bottom? You know the roughness waiting down there, so you pretend not to know.
That’s me. I am like that deep blue ocean. No matter how huge & rough wave I was, people can just see the tiny ones break onto the surface, swirl obeying the current, flown by the surrounds. In sunlight, I glimmered the sparkles. But in moonlight, I dim into the gloomy darkness. Independent to be alone yet invisible to the others.
Well. I’m now heading to my final year so that I can’t get rid of all these questions :- “What are you going to do after graduation?” “Will you stay here (Japan) or back to your homeland?” “Will you continue to Master?” “Will you work?” etc. etc. etc. And normally the one who asked already has the answers & the next corelated questions. Like an interviewer asking the brain-wreck questions to test the employee-to-be. Gimme break people! I’m not even started, yet you asked me the things when it’s end?
Oh. You’re asking me the plan huh? Planning the future is great. But not too forward. Not to look into the past to judge the future either. I’m living for today. So I don’t need to argue with you about my forwarded future. I learned not to put so much hope into the future, while I’m abandoning the best today I still have. Never suggest me the future unless you have the backup plans for that. Being positive is great, but sometimes you’ve being negative without your own notice.
This is the only thing I can’t never let go of me – being PARANOID while at the same time, OBSTINATE. I’m tough. That’s why I need not to prepare for tomorrow maybe. Whatever happened or however my day went, I just live with it. Oh yeah, it’s always that way when it’s me, not when others did mess me up. You see I can control myself but not others. So?!
I’ve been pointless again. I am paranoid but I’m too afraid to hurt people (it seemed to be since few years ago), yet ended up being hurt. Whatta joke! I guess I’ve beating around the bush too much. But I don’t tell stories. This is all about me. And I’ve gotta stop right here for now.
p/s : Don’tcha think I never think about what I should’ve think. I thought more than what you’ve thought, just you never think the way I thought. That’s all.