I knew I have had a rough week this week, but today was the FIRST day I cried in the lab, in front of people (Kawasaki & Satou). I’m sorry guys. I don’t know why my tears betrayed me in front of you two. I am the usual crybaby, but not to cry in front of people (along this 4 years) but now it’s like I’m back to the very old me. I HATE the OLD me – when I have to look fragile and pretend that I’m a wimp just because of people’s WORDS!
Flashing back the whole day today…
I arrived 10 minutes late today because I’m trying to finish packing my bento (I can’t even touch my meal for breakfast today). And it’s raining with strong wind AGAIN today. At the lab front door, Abe-san greeted me and adviced me to go to hospital for proper diagnose & medicines – though I think my influenza isn’t something that bad!
I did the rest 2 samples’ formation – make it the last samples I have to form into tablet before they’ll go thru the sintering process for 24 hours. I finished earlier than I thought – around 12.30 at noon.
I took a rest and ate my bento. I made my way to Engineering Office when Kaori reminded me about our Subject Registration Submit already reached its due! And the GREAT thing was, I totally forgot to submit it!
Well. It wasn’t the BIG deal at all, I settled it myself. And then when I’m back to lab, I discussed with Daddy to continue on our next step – samples’ SINTERING. Daddy said he & few of seniors would take some time for that sintering preparation and he said it’ll be ready at 3.30 TENTATIVELY. I don’t know what my brain digested the data when it’s said, but all I knew was I’ll be informed when it’s ready (at that time) even though when I think it again now, it’ll considered IMPOLITE if I just sit & wait there for half an hour until everything’s ready, but yeah, I definitely don’t know what I was thinking about.
And then when I realized it’s already 3.40 p.m! while Abe’s in my room – looking for me. There the story begins. He came to give me some lecture, because I’m late! It’s like I’ve already knew it’ll be 3.30 pm, so I’m supposed to be there (in lab) by 3.20 pm because it’s a PROMISE by SENSEI. I am already considered RUDE to let a TEACHER waited his STUDENT for 10 minutes, while the TEACHER already gave the exact time directly to me!
That’s what Abe said in front of the rest of lab members, I quoted them into writing here. I already felt my eyes burning, but no sign that I would cry yet. But when I pretend to focus on my work, listening to Daddy’s explanation on how the sintering take place & so on, I know the tears can’t wait to fall. I’m lucky they fall after Daddy went out of lab and when he’s back I’ve already wiped them away.
But they keep falling from time to time. I again crying like a child been scolded by her mom when I asked Kawasaki to help me on the reactor setting. Coincidentally Satou was there, so he listened to my story too. Seriusly & honestly, I didn’t blame anybody here while the one to carry all the blames was ME, obviously. And yeah I cried, I don’t deny it but it doesn’t mean Abe was wrong. All the things he said was true and I can imagine I’ll get HARSHER words when I enter working life sooner or later. But somehow I got wimper today – wimper than usual.
And the efforts shown by the two (Kawasaki & Satou) made my crying “worst”. You know guys, I don’t know if it’s the thing they too have been facing through a year before so they can say it now like an experienced senior or they’re actually would automatically say such things to calm a girl like me crying. Both of them said this …
“They will say things (remind) again & again to us, though we’re already knew them but just don’t take ’em to heart. Take ’em easy. Let ’em be the reminders. Just make sure, we don’t do the same (mistake) again, later”
Thank guys! That worked! My tears gone for a while though I found it hard to focus on reactor setting this time (I’ve lost my concentration, OBVIOUSLY) while actually this time being my THIRD time using THE SAME reactor *sighs*
When I’m back to student room to update my note, the tears were back, forced me to IN and OUT from the room to toilet! My goodness! I wish they stopped.. forever! When I’m already packed my things (ready to leave though it’s 5 minutes before 5 pm), Kawasaki came to our room. There’s just Oniichan sitting silently on the opposite side of room (I knew he’s trustable enough to keep the secret – to keep the “me crying incident” from Abe’s knowing) and I knew he came just to check on me! Poor Kawasaki. I shouldn’t have cried in front of you 😦 He said,
“Later on, if Abe raised his voice of lose his temper or say sth harsh again, it must be because of me. I’m the one who always mess him up. So, don’t worry.”
My Goodness. Why would he put all the bad things on his shoulder? None of them were wrong here. I understood the things deep down inside his words. First, don’t blame Abe for what he did. Second, don’t take today’s incident to effect later on relationship (we all like family, so far). Third, he’s more than ready to share whatever problems (if occured) I have.
“I don’t blame anyone. It’s just … me. I’m a crybaby”
(I bet he knew I’m lying just to ease him)
(I can’t translate this, coz it can never be translated in English words – literally it would be “forget what has happened, let’s start from the fresh beginning tomorrow”)
Thanks Kawasaki…. for everything m(_ _)m