If only I can say it …
sorry guys. I know it’s been a while I haven’t wrote in any. I have a lot to write, but after I wrote them they remained as draft which later I delete them all without a second look. gahh. I’m wasting my time ain’t I? well. now I can’t keep them to myself anymore. I need to talk to someone but I’m afraid my stories will be a burden to the listener. so I write them here.
first. results for the three companies I applied for job were already out. they all shared the same results – I am REJECTED. I can’t deny the fact that I might have the slightest sadness but I can’t say that I’m totally ok with them. I learned not to put the hopes too high in everything, but at the same time I never underestimate the fate to keep my faith stays in here.
so. I am a little down today after knowing the all three companies rejected me to be their future employer. maybe I’m not destined to be so. and my close friends keep cheering & telling me to fail once doesn’t mean to fail forever. yet the success started from the failures. I got it crystal clear but… I don’t know if I could say somehow I’m relieved to know this. relieved to know that from now on I don’t have to worry about what’s gonna be in the still too far away future of mine, while all I have to do is, to concentrate on what I’m doing now – my final year research. I took one year longer than everybody to reach here, why would I waste all the efforts, sweats & tears I’ve poured all these years? that’s never gonna happen!
second. someone appeared to be sick today. and I don’t know why I’m feeling weak too while I’m all ok. not really sick… but since he’s in pain and all I did is just pretending that I’m merciless while deep inside I wanted him to be at home, rest until he’s alright. I can’t even say “take care” when I’m leaving today. I’m too not have the courage. I’m sorry I always acted the opposite. I shut my mouth while I wanted to talk much. I pretend that I’m not looking while I can’t keep my eyes out of him even a second. I runaway every time he came closer while I feel we can’t be separated. Sorry. I really am.. don’t know what to do.
I like you but I pretend that I hate you….wanted to tell you so, but at the same time wanted to keep it as a secret. I hate myself now. since when I learned to pretend? or should I consider it hiding my feeling? whatever. it’s not the right time to think about this all while I have tons of work awaits to be done. but I can’t deny it… he’s here 24/7. lingers around me though in real he is not. My Goodness, help this girl to be on the right path forever. she’s too shy yet too weak. if it meant to be a part of Your trials to make me even stronger & tougher, please don’t let me carried away by this. please.