「言えばよかったのに…」

If only I can say it …

sorry guys. I know it’s been a while I haven’t wrote in any. I have a lot to write, but after I wrote them they remained as draft which later I delete them all without a second look. gahh. I’m wasting my time ain’t I? well. now I can’t keep them to myself anymore. I need to talk to someone but I’m afraid my stories will be a burden to the listener. so I write them here.

first. results for the three companies I applied for job were already out. they all shared the same results – I am REJECTED. I can’t deny the fact that I might have the slightest sadness but I can’t say that I’m totally ok with them. I learned not to put the hopes too high in everything, but at the same time I never underestimate the fate to keep my faith stays in here.

so. I am a little down today after knowing the all three companies rejected me to be their future employer. maybe I’m not destined to be so. and my close friends keep cheering & telling me to fail once doesn’t mean to fail forever. yet the success started from the failures. I got it crystal clear but… I don’t know if I could say somehow I’m relieved to know this. relieved to know that from now on I don’t have to worry about what’s gonna be in the still too far away future of mine, while all I have to do is, to concentrate on what I’m doing now – my final year research. I took one year longer than everybody to reach here, why would I waste all the efforts, sweats & tears I’ve poured all these years? that’s never gonna happen!

second. someone appeared to be sick today. and I don’t know why I’m feeling weak too while I’m all ok. not really sick… but since he’s in pain and all I did is just pretending that I’m merciless while deep inside I wanted him to be at home, rest until he’s alright. I can’t even say “take care” when I’m leaving today. I’m too not have the courage. I’m sorry I always acted the opposite. I shut my mouth while I wanted to talk much. I pretend that I’m not looking while I can’t keep my eyes out of him even a second. I runaway every time he came closer while I feel we can’t be separated. Sorry. I really am.. don’t know what to do.

 I like you but I pretend that I hate you….wanted to tell you so, but at the same time wanted to keep it as a secret. I hate myself now. since when I learned to pretend? or should I consider it hiding my feeling? whatever. it’s not the right time to think about this all while I have tons of work awaits to be done. but I can’t deny it… he’s here 24/7. lingers around me though in real he is not. My Goodness, help this girl to be on the right path forever. she’s too shy yet too weak. if it meant to be a part of  Your trials to make me even stronger & tougher, please don’t let me carried away by this. please.

 

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5 thoughts on “「言えばよかったのに…」

  1. arieszai says:

    huuuu~~~ this will be 2nd time replying this entry… >_<

    ev… the girl who wrote this reply had been rejected MORE than the girl who wrote this entry… so both of us, U & Me… we have to be more positive and proactive regarding this rejected issue… yeah~ there's somewhere, someplace out there for us to show our skill, but be just didnt find that DESTINED PLACE yet…

    as for my grandfather, i know that ur so shy to even greet him, but let's put aside ur shyness… i'm not asking u to go and attack him, but just talk to him as you talk to the rest of ur lab partners, will you??? please~~~ permintaan dari cucu tokwan ^^

  2. arieszai says:

    huuuu~~~ this will be 2nd time replying this entry… >_<

    ev… the girl who wrote this reply had been rejected MORE than the girl who wrote this entry… so both of us, U & Me… we have to be more positive and proactive regarding this rejected issue… yeah~ there's somewhere, someplace out there for us to show our skill, but be just didnt find that DESTINED PLACE yet…

    as for my grandfather, i know that ur so shy to even greet him, but let's put aside ur shyness… i'm not asking u to go and attack him, but just talk to him as you talk to the rest of ur lab partners, will you??? please~~~ permintaan dari cucu tokwan ^^
    greeting him during morning and evening
    asking weather he's healthy or sick
    weather he'd taken his medicine or not
    how's he's feeling today… good, fine or excellent

    • E.V says:

      haha.
      i did!
      but yeah i can still feel the “unusual” feeling when talkin’ to him.
      though i’d feel unusual too when talking to other boys in our lab as well.
      don’t worry.
      we’re both just TOO SHY.
      that’s all.
      let’s let the time crush that SHYNESS for us, k?
      😉

  3. haniz says:

    i know that feeling!! i am having it right now. cube berlagak selamba tapi tak boleh. nak je selalu dekat ngan dia tapi bile dah dekat larikan diri pulak.. haish… kuatkan semngt mu rubi!! that happens when you fall in L.O.V.E~~~

    • E.V says:

      haha
      but you’re WAY more brave than me.
      at least you’ve told him the thing should be told.
      while i’m acting like nothing’s exists.
      i surely have VERY DEEP & COMPLICATED thought on this huh?
      well.
      i’ll grab every chances that come.
      maybe at the time he’s on leave (internship) *i do really wish he’s accepted* there’ more chances to come.
      haha.
      coz we both better at writing, less at talking.

      p/s : imagining if he’d be my neighbor like in Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” music video. we WILL be EXACTLY like Taylor-Lucas in there! 😛

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