Sinusoidal Day

Sinusoidal Day

Oct 15th

Not a very good start, but somehow I felt alive to begin a new day.
It was, at first.
But everything ruined after I banked in the October’s rent.
Compared to last month, this month’s was a lot cheaper.
But when the balance appeared to be just quarter of the deducted sum, I lost my words.
I lost my good start too.
I remembered the same feeling crushing me last 5 months – when my scholarship suspended for 2 months, before the new one came in by mid of May.
I got savings but I had to use them all to save my own life!
And now the same story was about to repeat.
Damn it!
My perfect day was totally gone as early as 9.58 am!
I tried to be casual & calm like the usual me but I know I can’t fool myself.
The more I tried the more I hurt.
I tried to do some works, just to get myself busied so I can forget the problem for a moment.
Yeah, it really worked, but it also lasts temporarily.
I started to think to find a part time job.
I know it’s too late.
I know I can control my budget.
I know I can because it did happen before.
I thought I’m gonna be chased out from my apartment and spend my nights by staying at my senior’s home.
Tonight A’s home, tomorrow night B’s home.
Damn it.
I even imagined myself in that situation!
But somehow I managed, and even had my savings back in just mere 3 months.
That was the story before I went back to homecountry for renewing my passport.
My savings from three months scholarship was gone, AGAIN.
The worst part is, the sum that I took three months to accumulate, burnt in 2 weeks! – Flight ticket plus passport renewing fee with some other minor transportation fees and foods, which were all on my shoulders.
Now I went all no-money again.
My Goodness.
I beg your kindness and cares.
I am not tough as I might seen on the outside.
I am not calm as it just on the surface.
Deep down inside I am just a fragile and easy-broken one.
I never free from being tried and tested.
Please don’t try me with the trial I can’t face.
Please don’t test me with the tests I can’t bear…

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