Not a very good start, but somehow I felt alive to begin a new day.
It was, at first.
But everything ruined after I banked in the October’s rent.
Compared to last month, this month’s was a lot cheaper.
But when the balance appeared to be just quarter of the deducted sum, I lost my words.
I lost my good start too.
I remembered the same feeling crushing me last 5 months – when my scholarship suspended for 2 months, before the new one came in by mid of May.
I got savings but I had to use them all to save my own life!
And now the same story was about to repeat.
My perfect day was totally gone as early as 9.58 am!
I tried to be casual & calm like the usual me but I know I can’t fool myself.
The more I tried the more I hurt.
I tried to do some works, just to get myself busied so I can forget the problem for a moment.
Yeah, it really worked, but it also lasts temporarily.
I started to think to find a part time job.
I know it’s too late.
I know I can control my budget.
I know I can because it did happen before.
I thought I’m gonna be chased out from my apartment and spend my nights by staying at my senior’s home.
Tonight A’s home, tomorrow night B’s home.
I even imagined myself in that situation!
But somehow I managed, and even had my savings back in just mere 3 months.
That was the story before I went back to homecountry for renewing my passport.
My savings from three months scholarship was gone, AGAIN.
The worst part is, the sum that I took three months to accumulate, burnt in 2 weeks! – Flight ticket plus passport renewing fee with some other minor transportation fees and foods, which were all on my shoulders.
Now I went all no-money again.
I beg your kindness and cares.
I am not tough as I might seen on the outside.
I am not calm as it just on the surface.
Deep down inside I am just a fragile and easy-broken one.
I never free from being tried and tested.
Please don’t try me with the trial I can’t face.
Please don’t test me with the tests I can’t bear…