Category Archives: Revulsion

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Sinusoidal Day

Sinusoidal Day

Oct 15th

Not a very good start, but somehow I felt alive to begin a new day.
It was, at first.
But everything ruined after I banked in the October’s rent.
Compared to last month, this month’s was a lot cheaper.
But when the balance appeared to be just quarter of the deducted sum, I lost my words.
I lost my good start too.
I remembered the same feeling crushing me last 5 months – when my scholarship suspended for 2 months, before the new one came in by mid of May.
I got savings but I had to use them all to save my own life!
And now the same story was about to repeat.
Damn it!
My perfect day was totally gone as early as 9.58 am!
I tried to be casual & calm like the usual me but I know I can’t fool myself.
The more I tried the more I hurt.
I tried to do some works, just to get myself busied so I can forget the problem for a moment.
Yeah, it really worked, but it also lasts temporarily.
I started to think to find a part time job.
I know it’s too late.
I know I can control my budget.
I know I can because it did happen before.
I thought I’m gonna be chased out from my apartment and spend my nights by staying at my senior’s home.
Tonight A’s home, tomorrow night B’s home.
Damn it.
I even imagined myself in that situation!
But somehow I managed, and even had my savings back in just mere 3 months.
That was the story before I went back to homecountry for renewing my passport.
My savings from three months scholarship was gone, AGAIN.
The worst part is, the sum that I took three months to accumulate, burnt in 2 weeks! – Flight ticket plus passport renewing fee with some other minor transportation fees and foods, which were all on my shoulders.
Now I went all no-money again.
My Goodness.
I beg your kindness and cares.
I am not tough as I might seen on the outside.
I am not calm as it just on the surface.
Deep down inside I am just a fragile and easy-broken one.
I never free from being tried and tested.
Please don’t try me with the trial I can’t face.
Please don’t test me with the tests I can’t bear…

I am… ACROPHOBIC

Acrophobia is one of the most common phobias and is an extreme fear of heights, which can induce feelings of panic, panic attacks, nausea and dizziness if a person is exposed to heights. Acrophobia should not be confused with agoraphobia, the fear of the outdoors or open spaces, which contributes to many people feeling they can’t leave their homes. Both are serious conditions, and both common. Of the two, acrophobia is more common, and is possibly an inborn trait in some people.

What constitutes heights can vary for each person with this fear. For some, fear of heights only manifests when a person is in a particularly high place, like a building of several stories or on top of a cliff that overlooks a sheer drop. For others, walking up a flight of stairs or climbing a ladder is enough to induce panic and distress. The fear can easily curtail everyday activities, especially when it is extremely pronounced. Like the agoraphobic person, a person with acrophobia may not want to leave his/her home because he/she may encounter unknown experiences with panic inducing heights of various levels.

Many people may feel mildly uncomfortable when in high places, and this experience is not limited to humans. Other mammals show discomfort if they reach certain heights too. Usually, the term acrophobia is used only when the person or animal can be said to be extremely uncomfortable, and does go into a panic state when confronted with being in a high place. Main theories used to explain this phenomenon suggest that like all phobias, the fear became uncontrollable after a traumatic incident in early childhood.

Since other animals have been shown to exhibit some signs of fear of heights, researchers are now positing that the fear may have to do with the way our internal sense of balance works. The person with acrophobia may not be able to rely on natural sense of balance and continues to rely on what they see as high place. The feeling of being unbalanced can lead to panic, nausea, and vertigo or dizziness in some cases, because it pulls against the natural tendency for the body to remain balanced.

This would suggest that people might be able to overcome the fear by shutting their eyes and relying on natural balance to stabilize themselves. Usually though, acrophobics have so many incidences of this feeling, that this may not be enough alone, since the fear of heights may be associated with mental trauma. Though the fear itself might not be irrational from a physical perspective, repeated instances of emotional trauma associated with heights create irrational fear.

Like most phobias, acrophobia is treated with a variety of therapies, most commonly exposure therapy. Under the guidance of professionals, the person is guided through staged experiences of height, often first starting with virtual reality views of high places. This can help to gradually desensitize the individual to the experience of being in high places. Sometimes, medication like tranquilizers or antidepressants are useful in the early stages of treatment, but when the person is able to recover, they may not be needed in the long term. Further, there’s some suggestion given the internal balance theory that psychiatric medication would do more harm than good, since many of these medicines affect balance.

Retrieved from : http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-acrophobia.htm

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Related to Life & Death

Uh huh. Do I made it sound a lil’ bit too impressive this time by the entry title? Gahh. I felt my English went poorer these days, neither my Japanese hasn’t develop any better!

O well. I actually have thousand one stories to share but I don’t know where to start from. I’m back to lab, others too. I got works to do but I feel like I don’t. There’ people around me but I feel like I’m alone. I always got my mp3 on, those earphones always stuck in my both ears but I heard nothing. Am I near to death already?

It’s me but sometimes I feel like there’s different me in me. Hmm sounds complicated huh? Forget it then. Let’s play FAQ then.

How about me lately?

Fine, but not fine. Just recovered from fever last 2 weeks and now I got it again. My labmate teased me I got Influenza A …AGAIN. He sure went too far to joke on sth like that to me, his big sister!

How’s Sapporo lately?

In changing season. We’re in the end of Summer (supposed to) but I think we’ve  entered Autumn since the end of last month.

How’s my days?

In the boredom. If  before I could stay at lab until 10 pm even though I don’t really have experiments to do, now I can’t. As soon as I finished my stuffs, my home sweet home is floating on my mind! Not to mention if my stomach started growling or when my head started to spin (low-blood-pressure person never get rid of this, I guess?) , so my legs dragged me straight away to Prof.’s room, asking his permission to leave EARLY. Whatta hell’s happening with me? I don’t have the answer too.

How’s my final year research?

Fine. Prof. just gave me new tasks – to kill my time, ACTUALLY. Obviously I finished what I should, but since there’s a semester left, it’s a waste to just come to lab to write a thesis, RIGHT? I need WORKS! At least EXPERIMENTS. No matter the results, just the works. That’s it. I’m glad I have something to work on. I can’t stay at my desk, chatting with friends on YM for the whole day just to wait until 5 pm! Or surfing on YouTube for new clip videos. Or downloading new stuffs from site to site! I can do that at nights, weekends, at home! Not at lab. Thanks Daddy (prof.). You know me the best!

How many months left before my graduation?

Approximately 6. I hate the fact time fly away so fast now. I’m in the exact opposite from the past 5 years, if I remembered it correctly. When I’m sink in the middle of the nights, crying out loud alone in my room – that’s when I hoped time fly away as fast as it could. But now it’s different. Life’s a challenge. I need challenges to stay alive. Life’s need to be challenging. Agree with me?

Ok. There’s nothing more left to say, I guess. And I want to ask this to you guys. Share with me your opinions.

Is it a hint or just a coincidence if everyone that is in the same boat as you, encountered something that you still not know if it might happens to you, but since you are in the perfectly same situation with them, then the conclusion can be made is, you too going to encounter the same?

 

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treat a lady

like a usual thing, the more i’m running outta time (the clock’s tickin’ yeah i know) before exam’s begun, the more that devil mind lures me to play around. and here’s one of the result of “playin’ around”.

p/s : now go away, devilish mind! i need my “eve earl” mind back!

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DOWNLOAD

Songtitle : Treat a Lady
Artist : V Factory
Album : These Are The Days (EP) [2008]
Songwriters : N/A

Lyrics:

verse 1:

what’s goin’ on with ya lately, you’re not the same.
someone took the light from your eyes and replaced it with pain.
and this ain’t the jealous type of thing, cause i ain’t the type, woah.
it’s breakin’ you apart, and i’m not just gonna stand by, no.

pre chorus:

how ’bout the way he talks to you?
tellin’ you everything to do,
watchin’ ya every single move,
girl don’t be a fool.

chorus:

girl, he’s always on your back even in front of your friends
you’re feeling like you’re nothing when you’re really a ten
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)
i hear some of them are saying you ain’t worth this and
to any other man you’d be a priceless gem
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)

verse two:

now why you wanna let ’em keep playin’, playin’ these games?
and don’t tell me you don’t know what he’s doin’, when you’re away, yeah.
i don’t understand how a girl as fine as you are,
got him bringing you the moon on a platter under the stars, yeah.

pre chorus two:

why are you home alone tonight?
why is you’re beauty outta sight?
always just messin’ with my mind,
cause it just ain’t right.

chorus:

girl, he’s always on your back even in front of your friends
you’re feeling like you’re nothing when you’re really a ten
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)
i hear some of them are saying you ain’t worth this and
to any other man you’d be a priceless gem
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)

breakdown:

can i see the reason why,
why he keeps on playin’ with your heart?
cause, if you were my girl, i would give you my world to be yours.
stay forever by your side,
never do a thing to make you cry,
yes, if you were my girl, everything you deserve, you would have.

chorus:

girl, he’s always on your back even in front of your friends
you’re feeling like you’re nothing when you’re really a ten
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)

i hear some of them are saying you ain’t worth this and
to any other man you’d be a priceless gem
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)

girl, he’s always on your back even in front of your friends
you’re feeling like you’re nothing when you’re really a ten
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)

i hear some of them are saying you ain’t worth this and
to any other man you’d be a priceless gem
and that’s no way, no way,
way to treat a lady, lady (like you)

ending:

treat a lady like,
treat a lady like you,
treat a lady like,
treat a lady like..

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Turn me upside down

….if it helps me to see things in the way they should be. that’s all i can say now. o yes me swinging in incoherent amplitude, destructively interfered. any wave of help, out there? any ray of light to lead me out from this?

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Songtitle : Love Struck
Artist : V Factory
Album/Single : Love Struck (2009)
Songwriters : N/A

Lyrics:

You got my attention when you make that move
I, I can’t help it ‘cus I’m stuck like glue
Why, why am I the only one to see?
Girl I really want to get that, get that
Really should no doubt about it

Who can do it like you do it when you do
So hooked up on you like a tattoo
I’m serious about it
Girl I really want to get that, get that
Really should no doubt about it

I’m craving for you and just like a fool
There’s no way I can stop stop stop my desire
I’m craving for you and you know it too
There’s no one that can top top top your smile

(Girl you got me)
Love struck (you got me)
Love struck (girl you got me)
Love struck, oh oh oh oh (girl you got me)
Love struck (you got me)
Love struck (girl you got me)
Love struck, oh oh oh oh

I, I, I love it when you give me that smile
I’ve, I’ve, been waiting for this for a long time
My, my, my premonition is telling me try
Girl I really want to get that, get that
Really should no doubt about it

I have to give you credit for your style
and the way you rock that dress is so wild
I got to give it up ‘cuz
Girl I really want to get that, get that
Really should no doubt about it

I’m craving for you and just like a fool
There’s no way I can stop stop stop my desire
I’m craving for you and you know it too
There’s no one that can top top top your smile

(Girl you got me)
Love struck (you got me)
Love struck (girl you got me)
Love struck, oh oh oh oh (girl you got me)
Love struck (you got me)
Love struck (girl you got me)
Love struck, oh oh oh oh

Yeah you got me like a puppet on a string
I can’t stop it, girl you make my head spin
and just like a fool

There’s no way I can stop stop stop my desire
I’m craving for you and you know it too
There’s no one that can top top top your smile
I’m craving for you and just like a fool
There’s no way that can stop stop stop my desire
I’m craving for you and you know it too
There’s no one that can top top top your smile

(Girl you got me)
Love struck (you got me)
Love struck (girl you got me)
Love struck, oh oh oh oh (girl you got me)
Love struck (you got me)
Love struck (girl you got me)
Love struck, oh oh oh oh.

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